"When you're lost in the universe, don't lose faith. My mother says, 'Your whole life's in the hand of God; nothing has changed, He is the same'."
- Hand of God (Outro), Jon Bellion.
Today, if you don't mind, I'd like to talk about feelings.
When I last left my blog, I told you guys that I'd been struggling hard with feelings of depression, not the least of which involved suicidal thoughts.
I want to tell all my readers who weren't able to see the transform in person, or follow me on Facebook: I feel more alive now than I've felt at any other point on the Race.
Two weeks ago, I woke up without a racing heart for the first time since Thailand. Hesitant at first, I gave the irrational peacefulness a skeptical eye.
I really AM going bananas. Last night, I was drawing Sharpie sketches of hazmat suits in 1,000 shades of black and today I could barf glitter.
The spiritual atmosphere of Cambodia is the only thing more toxic than its air. This country has a history darker than its star-less sky. Generations here are still young enough to remember mothers and babies being dragged off to S-21, tortured, dismembered and murdered under the Khmer Rouge.
At the risk of sounding like the guy from Ghost Hunters, I'll just say one of our girls was woken up the other night to see two tall black figures standing at the foot of her sleeping pad. Another guy woke up to feel something pulling at his feet. Squad-wide, nearly everyone has walked, or is walking though, what I felt two weeks ago: suicidal thoughts. Anger. Trouble sleeping. Eyes swelling shut.
Evil is real here.
Yet I've thanked God every day since that night that He gave me the long-sightedness to remain.
My teammate Faith (proud cohort/the better half of #fayandkayarebae) likes to frequently remind our team, "Your emotions are not reality".
I am easily moved. But if emotions were natural disasters, capable of creating change, most descend like hurricanes or a tidal wave - build, break, silent. Mine feel more like earthquakes, shifting things suddenly from beneath. Unpredictable and entirely hidden, until a building or two falls down.
Sometimes a song comes on Spotify and all but knocks me sideways with sentimentality. I'll lay on the ground - literally stop and get down on the ground - and imagine I'm somehow a part of a Woody Allen movie where I get married to the person I love and spend my days hiding away in a log cabin in the mountains (obviously we built this) and sitting in cinematic silence around a bonfire (built this too) with red wine and our shelves lined with photographs, mugs and antique driftwood. surveying our physical manifestation of my "future life" Pinterest board, I softly cry tears of joy and he silently rests his bearded cheek on my back. There's a lot of lengthy cinematic silence. We are beautiful and happy.
Then the next song to play is a rap song. And suddenly I look around and wonder, What the %#&$ am I doing laying on the floor?! I'm a strong independent women. I have companies to become CEO of. G-650 jets waiting to commander. I will single-handedly redirect trading initiatives in 36 countries and restore global peace to the UN while simultaneously reuniting all the stray dogs of the world with their owners and do it without ever taking off my black stilettos or smudging my lipstick because I AM A QUEEN.
Emotions are fickle, yo. Combine that fallibility with the presence of manipulative evil, and you've got a stirred pit.
My feelings say, I'm not needed here.
My feelings say, You can't make a dent.
My feelings say, You're probably going crazy, and try to slap labels like PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety on my chest like Chiquita Banana stickers.
My feelings say, "Like Chicago weather, in two hours we will be entirely different for no legitimate reason at all. Best pack an umbrella, lifejacket AND a snowsuit when you step out in the conditions today...if you dare."
God says, "I haven't given you a spirit of fear." (2 Timothy 1:7)
God says, "I have delivered your enemies into your hand." (Joshua 10:8)
God says, "What you intended for evil, God is now using for good, for the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20)
God says, "I am the same: yesterday, today, and forever." (Hebrews 13:8)
Reader, if you're going through doubt about your purpose right now, can I encourage you for a minute? Remember where you've been. Remember what you've been delivered into. And lastly, remember where you're going.
Feelings change. God doesn't. If He's given you a word or calling, it's gonna be redeemable longer than those $20 Quick Cash coupons they dish out at Kohls. His promise for you never expires. You might be freaking out, but He's not. Instead of looking at the situation through your eyes, ask Him for His. He's got 20/20 vision.
My feelings say, You're tired, Kayla. Yah, but so what? I have ten months of victories to testify to the fact that when the going gets tough, He who is within me is stronger than he who is in the world. I'll be fighting my way across this battlefield with this absurd peace, my pastels, piles of glitter, whatever.
The world is fundamentally evil. Shine your light anyway.