Has anyone else aged 21-29 ever woken up at 3:30 am on the cusp of a major life change and decided that the pitch black of night was the most perfect time to call into question the meaning and purpose of your entire metaphysical existence?
(Asking for a friend.)
1. What is for you will not pass you by.
Surprising or not, I don’t much like to commit to things. I took a personality test once that asked the question, “True or False: The best decision is one that can be easily undone.” And I remember thinking, there, someone else gets it.
Things like the Race and the Fellowship are inherently uncomfortable to me, because they require long-sightedness, dedication and commitment. (All good qualities, no?) But in the act of saying “yes” to the Fellowship, I’m automatically saying “no” to, like, 12 billion other things. (Rough estimate.)
But what is meant for me won’t pass me by. Sometimes, all it takes is a step. You don’t really know what you’re agreeing to by making a definite choice, and you also don’t know what you’re closing the door on.
Trust that God will honour your forward motion by blocking the wrong paths and clearing the right ones.
2. No, that wasn’t “The last good job offer” or “The last of the good men”.
It just isn’t. This one kind of goes hand-in-hand with point number one. I have this annoying tendency to get super fatalistic about this kind of stuff – stuff being my career (more like, my future career), my health, and, yes - guys.
GUYS.
I said it.
I’ll see someone get a boyfriend, receive a promotion or land a job two weeks out of college, and my FIRST thought is, ITS OVER. THAT WAS IT. Like my entire physical existence and metaphysical purpose as a member of our universe somehow culminated and evaporated in the scorching spotlight of that one person’s brief, momentary achievement.
And it doesn’t. But it can sure feel that way.
I truly think that one of the most gracious, attractive things a person can do is celebrate another person’s success. Not only does it demonstrate that Person A is able to show love and support to Person B, but it shows that Person A isn’t threatened.
I want to become more like Person A. Because, no, it wasn’t "the only job worth having" or "the last of the men able to carry on a conversation about vector fields and gender norms" - there will be others. Another woman’s success is not my failure. I haven't missed my chance.
Which brings me to my last blurb.
3. You cannot mess this up.
You really think that you and I are in control of this thing? Look around.
Life and time are constantly unfolding without our help. I don’t need to worry about the well-being of every tree, tide and fallen leaf. My heart beats with a series of electronic impulses that operate independent of any effort on my part. These things are not affected in any way by my perception of them; they simply do what they were created to do.
Here’s a refreshing, inconvenient truth: I could die today, and the Earth would keep on spinning.
Amazing.
The success or failure of my endeavours do not ultimately begin and end with me. That really takes a lot of the pressure off, when you think about it. That means that as long as I’m walking in integrity and following God’s instructions, I can’t put my identity in my success. I also cannot use my defeats as the measuring stick of personal worth.
This control thing – it’s all a perception. The Earth is just pleased to have me here, along for the ride.
So now that I’ve shared my three unsolicited opinions on a topic that I myself am currently still navigating, here are three things I ask of you, Reader.
1. I need just $403 more dollars to hit my first financial deadline of $3,000. This deadline needs to be met by September 19th in order for Adventures to begin providing my monthly living stipend. If you are looking for a way to bless me, financial support would shout that love the loudest. You can support my internship right here. Afterwards, click here.
2. Pray for me. Specifically, pray that God is glorified in me during this next season of the Fellowship. I don’t feel like I’ve had enough time since the Race ended to process, or to be with my family. Several painful things have occurred in the last six weeks, and I do not want to carry worry or hurt around anymore. I want to walk in freedom.
3. Lastly, thank you for being here - wherever you are. Thank you. In this moment, on this webpage, you chose to be here with me, to let my words become the voice in your head. I never take your attention lightly.
In case you missed it, here’s a video about the time I drank too much caffeine and talked about my internship. (Not interested in the logistics? Skip to 4:56.)
With love,
- Kay