April 25 has not been a great day.
I know plenty of people who very firmly believe that days, by themselves, are not inherently bad. These people believe that the day is what you make of it. And if you have a bad day, well. There was probably something you could've done to keep it from derailing and careening out of control.
I happen to belong to the school to people who believe that some days are just crap. They just are. Yes, I can get down with the old mantra, "This is the day that the Lord has made; I shall rejoice and be glad in it." What I'm asking you to consider is that some days require rejoicing in the form of not killing someone. I rejoice everyday. Today, I rejoiced that I made it out of bed and across the hallway to change my t-shirt. Then I rejoiced all the way back into bed.
I know why I feel this way, of course. I always know. It's one of my biggest blessings and curses. I am never unaware of what is going on inside my mind, or why I am feeling a certain way.
Today, I am feeling jealous, insecure, unstable, and run-down. Physically, I'm running a fever and emotionally am experiencing maximumly invasive heart surgery.
Our entire dorm needed to be cleaned. Team time needed to happen. All eight of us needed to be packed to catch a 30-hour train to Thailand the next morning. Our host had graciously invited us to spend the day at her apartment and make use of her pool, but the thought of spending yet another full day expending energy socializing and conversing around a dinner table made me want to crawl back under my throw blanket and grow into it.
"This is ridiculous," I finally announced, sitting up in bed. "I refuse to lay here one more second and be sad. I'm going out to get food and write."
On my way out the door, I bit it hard, slipping on the freshly mopped stairs. Emily came round the corner, gently helped me sit up, and held my bruised arms while I cracked, letting tears fall onto my flushed cheeks.
JESUS. HELP.
I started doing what I always do: stacking up the reasons why I shouldn't be unhappy against why I should be happy. And for the first time today, I realised that I've been doing it all wrong.
It's not about the comparison. Telling myself that I shouldn't be feeling badly because my mom is coming in three days, that I got nine hours of sleep last night, that we caught our 19th mouse, does nothing to shake the current sadness. It only makes me feel more guilty for being sad.
I'm not saying to camp out in the sadness. But before you can get over it, you need to go through it. You must feel it. There is no other way out.
A reader and friend of mine, Jami, left a comment in my newly-minted prayer group yesterday night.
"Hello my friend! I was praying for you last night and felt no need to pray for clarity or confirmation (those are my usual "go-to" God's will prayer words). Instead the word "courage" arose in my spirit and I just started praying for and declaring courage over you. I have no clue if this is helpful, logical, ridiculous, or left-field. But in celebration of courage, I'm courageously sharing. :) xoxo"
For some reason, this comment reminded me strongly of one of my favourite movies.
I grew up watching the Sound of Music on a two-pack VHS next to my mom. (If I recall correctly, we watched it so many times the tapes eventually broke.)
My wedding (should I ever have one) will very certainly contain the wedding march "How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria", with my name grafted in for good measure.
Fraulein Maria is my cinematic soul-sister. I feel this girl. Always wanting to make the world a better place, but more often than not, getting in her own way. Forever inspired, endlessly loving, but tripped up by misunderstanding and inappropriately self-sacrificing for the "right thing".
There's a scene in the film when she gives herself a musical pep-talk, pumping herself up for a huge task. I listened to it again today and nodded in agreement so hard my glasses slipped down my nose.
"It could be so exciting, to be out in the world, to be free; my heart should be wildly rejoicing! Oh, what's the matter with me?"
"I've always longed for adventure, to do the things I've never dared; now here I'm facing adventure...but why am I so scared?"
Sometimes, I'm I Have Confidence-Maria, flinging my carpet bags around my skirted hips, calling out assertive manifestos of confidence to anyone who will listen and heed.
Other times, I'm pitiful, wanna-be-nun Maria, running away from responsibilities because"I can't love him, I don't fit in, I don't deserve to be happy", laying on a third-floor flight of homeless shelter stairs in Malaysia, crying over life, the universe, and everything.
The good news? God loves both. He sees both. And He loves them just the same.
He wants us to acknowledge unhappiness, those unforeseen moments of unexplainable hopelessness, and the days when it's all you can do to get yourself into sitting position. Missionary or not, He wants to comfort us. He doesn't miss a thing.
I've written about the topic of rest before, about the importance of "being okay with not being okay". Full disclosure: I get really nervous to write these sorts of things. I get nervous anytime I write something that isn't on the brighter end of the blogging scale, or anytime I come forward with a present struggle and shortcoming. I worry that you guys will pass judgement.
Which, to be quite frank, is ridiculous. Never once in 16 months has anyone done this. Still, the fear lingers.
It asks, "Am I okay? Is this okay? Will this paint a picture more dismal than it actually is?" The Race is comprised of infinite moments of laughter, despair, hope, insomnia and boredom that few will ever witness first-hand. I try to be careful about what I choose to point to, knowing that your window is shaped by what I choose to highlight.
But once again, it's an invitation. An extended hand to say, "Hey, me, too."
If you need confidence and courage today, know you're not alone. And once you're done feeling it through, sit up, and reflect on how much you are loved.
This too shall pass.